Dear God, we come to you because humanity is going through a valley of darkness and despair right now. We see it every day on FOX News, and we know you see it too.
Lord, people on Twitter and in the fake liberal media are saying their pain is due to things like poverty, disease, state-sanctioned violence, and climate extremes, but we, your children, know the true source of their grief: they do not worship the one, true King. Not Donald Trump— although he’s a close second — but our Heavenly King, Christ Jesus.
We know that if the world would just put their full faith in our inconsistent and contradictory interpretations of your somewhat mistranslated Holy Word, they’d have hope. Hope in the gospel’s good news that maybe they’ll go to Heaven when they die.
As it is Lord, many have been deceived by demonic forces. Gay people and women are out here twerkin,’ Jesus. On camera, with Satan, making a mockery of our condemnations. They’re protesting against our guardian angels, the police. They want restrictions on owning guns and are trying to collect taxes from the wealthy to help the lazy poor. Oh God, how long will you allow this wickedness to continue?
Speaking of which, God, we pray for the Black community. Please, change their hearts so that they stop fighting over scarce resources. Turn their ears away from disgusting rap music that reflects their toxic social conditions and treatment. Help them stop smoking weed and choose instead to self-medicate with alcohol, sugar, and Xanax like law-abiding people do. Make them stop dividing our nation over the effects of slavery, Jim Crow, and mass incarceration. Show them that no matter how society mistreats them, we are all created equal in your eyes. And Father, please make them stop saying the n-word, using for good what was meant for evil.
Awesome Father, we also ask you to do something for poor people struggling in the midst of this pandemic — except for the ones collecting unemployment, of course. Work a miracle to heal those who are suffering from curable illnesses but can’t afford healthcare. Or find them a good doctor who takes Medicaid, Jesus. And we ask that you’ll feed those who can’t access quality groceries. Make a way for them in the food desert.
Most importantly of all, Father, we pray that you’ll end abortion by shutting down all Planned Parenthood clinics, even though almost half of them don’t provide that service. It pains our hearts so much to think that a human life might suffer in the womb and not have the chance to suffer outside of it. And for the young couples and single parents who don’t know how they’ll care for a baby with the high price of housing and childcare, we pray they’ll find entry-level jobs that will pay a living wage. We know you can do the impossible, Father. And if not, please teach them not to have sex unless their annual household income is at least $60,000.
God, despite all the evil and hardships many are facing, we want to thank you for the bounty we’ve received by being born in the United States, the greatest country on Earth. Thank you for not burdening us with guilt for the sins of our forefathers, but for rather allowing us to reap the blessings of their land theft and labor exploitation. For communities across the world that have been destabilized by our political interference, we ask that you’d comfort their souls with your infinite grace so they don’t try to come here.
And lastly, Christ Jesus, we pray that you’ll show the world that our Baptist Orthodox Presbyterian Methodist Lutheran Anglican doctrine is the way, the truth, and the life so that others will join our church and be a testimony to our congregation. Our numbers are dipping pretty low for some reason.
We faithfully await your return to take us home to glory and burn everyone else in eternal hellfire. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Master, Savior, and Redeemer we pray —